i'm deeply conflicted. in my young teens i think deep down i knew, but i so violently didnt want it to be so. i would punish myself and end up sabotaging a good chunk of my education just through the tug of war between my dysphoria and internalized transphobia, and especially against non binary identities. I think back on it and hate my teenaged self, i hold them in contempt for that, they sabotaged and hurt me in ways i am still actively suffering the consequences of. yet also, i feel so guilty for being trans, as if i let them down. i turned out to be what they feared they were the most. It hurt though, still does, i pity them too. ofc, we are the same person. i remember that pain, and it feels mine. in a way memories and effigies of childhood self, who i feel so detached to do not. the only part of my childhood self i can face with any joy at all and connect with genuinely is thunder. that's why shes so important to me. but i dont feel bad for my child self the same. they were dreading growing up to "become a woman" but overall i was still way happier then than ive been since. oh god my teenage self though. as content i am with being alive like i am now, and hope that one day it can be worth holding out for, if you sent me back to those days i would put myself out of my misery no hesitation. even though i'd know it descalated and got... well not good but way better. still. just because i dont think i could bear to witness it. I really fucking failed myself. and i knew but did not care, it wasnt supposed to end up mattering. i didnt think i'd stick around to deal with the consequences. had i grown up at a slightly different time, and met other trans people just a little younger than i did, maybe i wouldnt have done the things i did. maybe i could have gotten the help i needed and maybe then i wouldnt have skipped school for weeks at a time fighting with my mom every morning to not go because i was feeling so dysphoric and depressed. going at it til i had a meltdown so bad she'd give up either because i'd worn her out or because i'd gotten so riled up i'd ended up hurting myself in some way. and then i'd just cry for hours. while i had the house to myself and could feel safe doing so. until i was so exhausted i had to sleep or rest. that was just a normal day back then. i was so incredibly suicidal over it all the only reason i didnt kill myself was that i'd feel extremely guilty to make my dad or friend karo sad, as my fathers only child, and more or less karos only friend, at least at that time. its not like that anymore but i remember viscerally how it felt. they suffered through all that. and held out, and here i stand, and nothing. i care now. there are things i want in and from this life. i was scared back then, but i had nothing to lose, i had nothing to gain. it didnt fucking matter and i still wouldnt talk about it, seek help. nothing. funny now that i know just how deeply i need and want it i am even more scared and unwilling to ask for it. rejection hurts. and when its something already so fucking sore for me i dont think i could handle it. its like that whole horror of being known, reward of being loved thing. cant have the bliss of going on hrt, living my gender without the horror of my family finding out i'm man (adjacent at least lol) and transgender. i dont fully know what im missing out on, and im dependent on my family. so ofc my fear wins out, living feels like a chore, i am anxious and on edge all the time. but used to it. i've become a total shut in rarely even go to the grocery store anymore because i do not want to face the way people treat me, based on (and serve as a reminder of) everything about me that hurts. I am scared to seek medical help not only bc of family but also because after suffering abuse/mistreatment by the system because of mental illness and disability i do not trust that it could not be held against me at a later time if it ends up on record that i am trans, nor do i trust that my autism wouldn't be held against me in an attempt to seek transition. not that i could, riksen doesnt recognize non binary people. and i dont live in oslo. pride is really fucking important. its important work. i should take part any way i can yeah? its in my best interest to do so. but it makes me so sad. its very hard not to think about what led me here. and its very hard not to feel sad about what i dont have and sometimes feels like what i can not ever have. misery loves company, thats why i dont enjoy expressing this whatsoever. but when everyone else is celebrating the won battles, fighting for each others right, expressing solidarity over love, and joy of being oneself and existing; and you're cowering, crying over the very same things? it feels alienating and i know its all on me, im not trying to complain or make it seem like its wrong or unfair. its my personal problem, no one else should be held accountable for it. but it still fucking suuuuucks. i really really wish that i could feel more happy for my kinsmen enjoying pride than i feel sorry for myself and bitter and frustrated with my situation and identity, i really do. but I cant help it. and i'm ashamed. and when i have such a shitty attitude about it its kinda deserved. figuring out my gender has helped me so much mentaly so why does it feel like defeat? maybe because now that i know what it is, and i know the "cure" is out of reach. its game over. if it only had been something else maybe it would be easier to remedy. i guess thats why it sometimes feels disappointing. its not a problem to solve, its just who i am, and im stuck with that. i've come to terms with being transgender but i still have a lot to work on when it comes to how that effects my life among other things. i wanna feel proud so bad, i envy that. but im not ready. i am proud for my friends though, and for other lgbtq people and what they have achieved. yet not of my self for the very same things, and it leaves me feeling kind of like... a guest in my own home if you get what i mean? i am a little too fragile to swallow heavy stuff, wether good or bad rn so im sorry if anyones talking about pride stuff or just lgbt topics in general and i seem aloof. its not you its just me and my silly brain. im sure theres other things i could say but thats mostly what i wanted to get off my chest this time. thank you for reading though if you did... i mean you are if you're reading this. i love you all, hope you can enjoy pridemonth more than i! and while im probably preaching to the choir here, stop fucking infantilizing trans mascs, non binary people are not "man/woman lite", Please for gods sake and all that is good just let trans-feminine people pee in peace (or at least fucking breathe) without having to fear for their safety or be made out to be some kind of predator and lastly, bisexual people are bisexual, not straight or gay, they dont switch between being straight or gay depending on their partner, they are bisexual.

and thank you lesbians for being such great friends? so many of the kindest people i've met have been lesbians? gay sex must the panacea to cure all evil...