Um. I have so much I could say here, but it's been so long I don't even know with what, nor where to start. I said in March 2023 that I'd update the site with a major overhaul that month or the next.
Uhhh. I didn't ^^' I don't even remember the exact reason why my momentum halted, but when it came time to keep working, I was just burned out I guess. Been working on a lot of comic projects.
Drafting comics is really fun! When I've had the motivation to sit down, focus, and work on stuff, it's gone mostly towards that.
Now, now, this does not mean I haven't been putting any time into the site at all since April; I've been working on things here and there. Small things, boring things, compressing images and
trying to improve how I organize my site assets and file system. The thing is, I have so much I want to do, and a lot of it requires real menial, tedious prep. And when it isn't, one runs into problems that
are frustrating to solve. You work and work, burn out, take a break and get back to work. You keep having new ideas. Time keeps passing. You're getting stressed out because you wanted the updates online
months ago. It's not like you don't have anything to show for all the time and effort you've been putting in, but... No one has seen it.
Easy peasy to feel demotivated when it feels like no matter how much you do, there's always more. Ambitions keep rising without regard for your ability to keep pace. Stretch yourself thin, reaching
for an unachievable goal, so thin you snap. But that's no way to ever FINISH anything. It shouldn't take a genius to catch on to how unsustainable this approach is to like... anything ever no matter what.
Doesn't make it any less tricky a trap to avoid falling for. This site is just a hobby, so no harm, no foul. Right? Wrong. It is foul. It's a rotten feeling.
In norwegian we have this concept "mestringsfølelse" a word that doesn't let itself translate well easily (to english at least) but in essence, it's a term related to the satisfaction and confidence one feels
about
mastering a task or skill. Gaining "mestringsfølelse" is gaining reassurance in your ability to do something. You know you already have it when you do something and feel like success is a predictable
outcome.
You are far beyond it when you feel completely safe and unbothered making binding promises about [doing thing], because the possibility of failure to deliver doesn't even cross your mind
due to how
comfortable you are with performing the task in question. As I understand it, "mestringsfølelse" is mostly something you feel upon (often repeatedly) achieving something you feel anxious,
insecure or unsure
about doing. More so in the context of every-day-mundane type shit rather than like... cool guy shit like extreme sports or whatever. mestringsfølelse is what you feel when you've been
struggling to clean
your room for weeks and feel like a worthless burden to society and everyone who loves you. and hey, if you can't even clean your room, it must be true. But then one day you somehow
manage to get off your
ass and do it, and even though it was in fact as hard and exhausting as you knew it would be, you did pull it off. It was possible. You may be too sick, fatigued, sad, stressed,
overwhelmed, (insert your very
own personal mental illness and/or disability here), et cetera... to be reliable in a room cleaning scenario, but it is not because you are incompetent by
nature. It is relief
that comes with cold hard proof that you COULD become capable, that you are in the process of becoming capable. Faith and reward in own learning and experience.
Now that I have overexplained this for you, as is customary among my kind (autists), I will continue where I left off before going down this tangent. Doing all this work, and just letting it rot on my
computer when the point was to get it online for my dearly beloved website visitors, it's uncathartic! It gives none of that precious mestringsfølelse. All the work I did
means nothing, because I still couldn't
deliver it. and the goal was to have it up for all to enjoy by May at the latest. No matter how good the work I had done was,
it still was- and felt like a failure.
Point is, it gets overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed. I've been overwhelmed. And it's lonely too!
There's something really exciting about making something and Immediately showing it off to other people. Your pride is still fresh, and you're eager to find out if that pride is warranted! I am proud of what
I've done so far. Don't get me wrong! But that pride has grown stale. It's just not going to be like that this time. I have to make peace with that. Because if I just kept chasing fresh pride, which keeps becoming
harder and harder to catch in tandem with the unsustainable rise in ambition, I'd never update lol. It's just too much for one single man to bear.
What all this means in practice is that a lot of the pages I've overhauled are not done being overhauled, and some are more obviously unfinished than others. But I need to get
the skeleton up and
out of my closet, before I can start adding the real meat to the bone. It's been miserable to even think about the website when I know people were still looking
at the previous version, while I've had this sexy,
sexy bombshell all to myself. I even got a very kind comment (on YouTube of all places) a few weeks ago expressing disappointment
that I seemed to have abandoned my neocities! I have not!! ;w; It's just that
I feel like shit because I want to share the overhaul with you but I can't because it's not done yet
because I'm the only person who can do it and I can't do it because I feel like shit. Talk About An Evil Circle.
Pages that have been particularly bothering me for a long time that I just have to let go of for now if I want to get this online sometime this century include: music, distribution (particularly how behind i am with
sketchbooks and comics ), I might have broken the archive, not that it matters considering the page sucked and is overdue for a makeover. Stamps are bleh. Doll making is a hot hot mess. There are a
couple little things I really wanted to add, and you'd think adding them would be fairly quick and easy, but, you know, a billion tiny things and suddenly your splinter is a whole fucking tree... I'm hoping to update
some assets, like the splash page and any temporary placeholders soon. And eager to someday finally display the site button, so anyone who wishes to do so can easily download and link here. It already exists,
it has for a long time, it's just been kept hidden and locked up behind procrastination. Maybe next time... Did you know the site turns 5 years old on December 17th? I'd have liked to do something fun to
celebrate, but only time will tell if I have time. If not, consider this half-baked overhaul part of the anniversary celebration lol. It's currently 5 in the morning as I'm writing this, so I should round off the log entry
and slam my sweet little head at high velocity straight towards the pillow in bed ASAP. Ended up pretty long, huh... Now imagine if I also decided to go on an unhinged emotional rant about some trivial issue
in my personal life that causes me disproportionate but genuine distress. pshhh... as if I would ever do that... and I'd especially never do it in a previous draft of this log entry. But something
I would do is to not go 2 seconds without reminding you that I am transgender, because the world is a fuck and can't go 2 seconds without reminding /me/ that I am transgender.
So in the spirit of solidarity and reciprocation of the golden rule, allow me to end this entry off with a reminder that I am, in fact, transgender.
Ok so! Long time no log update. The site has been a bit on the back burner recently, I've been working on a new gallery layout behind the scenes though, and I've been scanning
and editing a couple sketchbooks. I have a lot of plans for things i wanna redo on here! Gallery is wip but after that I might want to update my about, its pretty outdated!
Also been considering re-making site assets a for a while now but its low priority. Honestly I dont lack things to do, I have a whole document on my computer full of ideas for
the site! But then you have the factors of skill and time ha ha...
In other news, my personal life! It's been so long now since the last log that I can't remember everything thats happened since then but most notably my birthday was just the other week! I'm 21 now, I know thats quite the landmark in some other places but its not rlly that notable over here, my birthday was ok. Not great, but alright. Nothing that big has happened in my personal life since last, I had a falling out with my grandma that really fucking hurt last Christmas but I dont see her very often so whatever, not that big a problem in my everyday life. I've been feeling really emotional exhausted though, with everything going on in the world ofc but especially some stuff concerning transgender rights in norway that happened/are happening. You can read a little about it here if you're curious. things are being resolved, but they weren't great to begin with, and this whole ordeal really reminded me of how fleeting the few good things we have are. My dad also wants to take me to a psychologist (and thats fair, I agree I need it for a number of things...) but it's a whole ordeal to get referred and I dont wanna get into it right now. I would have to talk about gender more with him though, considering my dysphoria is a big part of the tangle of why I can't get my life in order. And I'm gonna have to rip that bandaid, i have no choice, I can't keep living like I am. But it's gonna fucking suuuuuck. I'm not sure to what extent he understands my gender bullshit but I do have a suspicion that he is a bit deluded about what could come of this. I am not eligible for treatment on the basis of being non binary and honestly? I'm a little afraid of having my gender issues in my medical files. I don't trust government services to not try to turn that against me some other time if they please. (Based on my experiences with my autism diagnosis.) I know that opening up about these things could very easily push me into a suicidal spiral and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to come out, I don't want to have to deal with this. But I am also so stifled by my dysphoria and want hrt bad. My current situation is no life, but at least I am safe, and at least it's predictable. I have a lot of thoughts surrounding this, it's very complicated for me but I'm not gonna ramble on about it. The point is that I am anxious. at the same time I need to take that risk and even if it goes to all hell and I meet the wall, it's better than purgatory right? At least i could say i tried? I am so sick of wasting time...
NOW THAT WAS A HUGE DOWNER. So sorry about that but hey. Thats just my life. I got to visit karo semi-recently though and that was really nice. To end on a good note.
Hi!! I have a lot I probably should write here, or at least a lot I want to... But this is just a very quick entry to say that I finaly fixed my pc's OS problems!! I had to do this by factory resetting it so now I have a lot to reinstall and files to move over from my external hard drive, still though it's so nice to finaly be able to update the thing. It hadn't been updated since january 2020 when I got it before I did the wipe. Funny enough I've tried to wipe it before with no luck, just errors. I guess some of the fixes I've attempted since affected that? Who knows. But hey it works so I won't complain. Other than that I also just want to breifly mention that I did some work on the distribution page without reporting it in recent activity because I'm not acctualy done yet. it doesnt work as intended in firefox, but then I got frustrated and also had other things to do so I've been putting off fixing it, though it's the next thing on my agenda for the site. Oh and last thing! I am working on a comic that is coming along nicely. It's in english, 6 pages long and drawn in clipstudio. The title is "Wet shoes" although that could change idk. I hope you'll look forward to it!!
hey! I just wanted to write a very quick update and say some stuff, first of all I've been kinda gone because some stuff happened in my personal life. Some very very big consequential
stuff, don't worry though. It's not dangerous just scary lol. I might go more into detail later but I'm still processing it and it's kind of... ongoing??
I also haven't been talking, drawing or posting online as much this last month and a half also because of this, been drawing some trad... but digital art has become a bit of an issue,
because my tablet updated and my os is outdated and corrupted and so I can't update it myself, and I've been trying to fix it but at this point I just have to send it in. I've been
putting that off tho lol. It still works but it keeps having driver issues and it's too annoying to deal with, at that point I'd rather draw with trackpad if anything.
I'm still planning on scanning those sketchbooks and inking that comic, but life got in the way blah blah I'm sure you understand. Also! A found out you can reply to messages in ur guestbook but I can't for the life of me get log into my account, I hope I manage it eventually though cuz ppl are so nice to me and I wanna say thanks!!
Other than that the only notable thing about my summer is that I have been trying to make pop pop boats! First one was epic fail, second one was a minor success. It runs but has a lot of design flaws... Might start from scratch on an eventual third. And as of last wednesday I'm fully vaccinated against covid! AND I got autism even more true not fake news wait uh I was uh not already autistic acctualy I got it for the first time because of big government... Wait pause that. If covid vax makes you autistic, but you're already autistic does it cancel it out? OR does it as it should in my opinion, stack like effects in video games. (hyper think)
Ok ok so I just posted one of my older sketchbooks on the distributions page! I have at least 6 more I wanna scan and upload but it takes a lot of time to do (just scanning this one took me approx 5 hours but most my other sketchbooks have fewer pages so lets hope they'll be faster) My birthday has passed and I am now indeed 20 years old. (2001 kids swag on) and this past weekend I have been very busy, I got a couple birthday gifts! Among them a slow cooker (that I haven't tried yet...) new phone after being stuck with an iPhone 4 for an eternity and some art supplies! I also got a haircut but it was very short notice so it was more function over style, but my bangs look insane they will not lay flat because I'm a bastard who has been pushing them back with my headset for over a year straight now so they just. Stand straight out horizontally like a fucking hat brim it's funny tho, I look like this:
but I'm sure they'll get better after a couple washes and such. I also restored an old toy ironing board, I'll try to take some pics next time I'm at my dads but it turned out pretty nice for my first time doing something like this. I don't have much else to say but uh I love my friends ok thank you. Bye.
OHHH boy tomorrow is my birthday... I'll be 20 years old. It feels very unreal... And my sites almost at 50,000 views... Would be cool if I could hit it before or on my birthday lawl.
Not that it matters too much but it'd be good timing.
I have updated my site a lot these last few days! I got a sudden blast of motivation to work on it after hitting some artblock so that's part of why, plus social media fatigue but not having anything else to do than sit on my computer all day, even if it wasn't for covid my mental health hasn't been good enough to go out much. BUT YEAH. I made a new art page, added an interesting links page, started working on a misc page with a couple different features as well as make a couple other small edits to existing pages, like the new splash page graphic! I still like the old one but it was kinda rough. I might make another trad animated one eventually. You can still see the old one on this page.
I also have a bunch of plans for the site! Like making a new about I might combine with personal links because it's not rlly necessary to have on its own page. And a distribution page where I can have all my zines, comics, downloads and other stuff like that on one page, replacing current zine page. Also thinking of making a thunder page/shrine and maybe one dedicated to the clay bjd dolls I have made if I have time to take good pics, and other minor misc. shit like updating tunes, assets and stamps etc etc.
pstt: I made some blinkies f2u!!! Attack helicopter|down with cis|undertale
Time for obligatory gender dysphoria talk because I'm predictable and love to complain about it. Its been pretty fucking bad lately, I haven't been going out or hanging out with even my closest friends (not just because of gender dysphoria but it's a pretty big factor) because of my dysphoria, but also been more dysphoric because I never go out and so I have no distraction from it. I'm gonna see if I can get my hair cut and dyed this next weekend at my dad's house but even that is a daunting task because hair dressers is autism hell for me and idk how to have a hairstyle that doesn't make me look like a little boy or 80 year old woman fml. My secret is I want a mullet but I am too embarrassed to admit it irl. I have been feeling really pressed to come out to my dad, because of anxiety relating to being outed on accident, gender dysphoria, and feeling like the older I get and the longer I wait to tell him the more "out of nowhere" it will feel to him and therefore the more dismissible it will be... And if he reacts badly the older I am the harder it is to play off as just a joke or phase or blame on ignorance. Man idk... If I was just gay this would be a no brainer. Everyone in my family, even my great grandmother openly accept gay people. Being trans is a lot scarier... Both with the international situation but also because I have noticed local news and such jumping more and more on the terf bandwagon... Plus while never being outright malicious he's talked about trans ppl in ways that make me uncomfortable before, (misgendering, small shitty comments and just... the vibe whenever a trans person comes up in conversation) but at the same time I know he would probably still love me, but that doesn't count for anything if he rejects me yakno? Like man then u don't love me you just love the idea of me, and that scares me a bit... Plus I don't know in all honesty if my ego could handle rejection from him, he's kind of my lifeline in a lot of ways but I feel like I'm gonna out myself accidentally in the middle of a breakdown anyways and oghhh its all just a mess. How would I even explain to him what non-binary is? I just wanna wear a binder and grill for gods sake! Why is everything so hard. I even fuckin broke under pressure and alluded to my transgender brain worms in therapy 2 weeks ago, very discreetly of_course. I didn't even mention gender I just kept making vague allusions to this factor I was uncomfortable talking about, that I mostly know what is but can't disclose, but makes a big impact on my life and day to day mental health and that I've written notes and such about it. Which she then asked if I could bring next time and oh boy! Going to see her on Friday and uh ya not doing that. But scared of what I'm gonna say or if I'll break under the pressure. Maybe I should bring some notes just in case but it would take a long time to compile years of my gender testimonials from dms and social medias and such.
Speaking of gender dysphoria. Anyone got any tips on torso dysphoria I could do without requiring online purchase? I have a binder that kind of fits but not the best because I took it in myself after loosing weight and now I have some problems with straps/riding and just general minor shit like that. But even when wearing it only helps marginally because my proportions are so fucked... I would like to even out my hip to waist transition I guess... Anyone got any good diys for "filling in" that space for a less fem figure? I also have a lot of dysphoria about my shoulders but its compensate-able and hard to change atm. Man what I wouldn't give for top surgery and hormones... I swear to god it would be over for you bitches I would be too powerful. Anyways I'm gonna add some more art to the art page and go change my sheets and shower, I need to catch up on the sleep I lost from staying up to work on neocities the last couple days lol :)))
This is a pretty small entry just to say that I started inking a 6 page comic I drew in 2020, it's in norwegian and is about the nonbinary experience of relating to other people I guess. It's not very deep but it's my first comic in a hot min so forgive me lol. btw. Does my favicon work for you guys? It works for me on opera edge and firefox but never on chrome.
HEY AGAIN I DO NOT LOG AS OFTEN AS I SHOULD... I already made a normal post on this via the status/message feature on neocities but I recently updated/replaced/cleaned up a lot of old messy code. I'm very glad I had the motivation to do it when I did, now it's a lot more motivating to work on the site. You may or may not have noticed a new archive link on my more/other page, this is a link to a directory of sorts to old pages I'm not gonna work on anymore! Idk how long I'm gonna keep them up but at least until I create replacement pages probably. Yeah you heard that right, replacement pages! I want to get rid of seperate pages for vocaloid/thunder/fanart and just have all my art collected. I also have been making pages where I'm just fucking around too but hey I'm learning... useless shit but it's learning regardless! THE POINT IS... I HAVE PLANS FOR THIS SITE AND IM WORKING ON LAYING THE GROUNDWORK. Problem is I'm wet slop so be patient. (more directed at myself than anyone else) Now, my personal life huh... I can't sit here and lie and say nothing has happened since last time, it's been 10 months since last entry and a lot has happened, but honestly I dont even know what to say about it. It was a lot at the time and now it isnt cuz its over and resolved lol. But uh kinda fucked up that I'll be 20 in exactly 3 months it feels fake, I still feel like a dumb teen in more ways than one... I lack most skills needed for independent living, havent had alcohol yet, never even kissed anyone (except yo mama ofc), I can't drive, I dropped out of school and never returned... Også er jeg så jævlig husredd at det nesten ikke er til å tro... Seriøst jeg har ingen problemer å være utendørs midt på natta, heller ikke i uvær men så snart jeg er alene i hus? Full panikk! Takler fint å være alene hjemme til 4 på natta og sånt men hvis jeg ikke vet at noen kommer hjem før arbeidsdagen starter så er det full angst. Har måttet ringe folk før og fått dem til å komme og hente meg (i eget hus) fordi jeg ikke kunne takle det lenger etter en time engang. har ingen anelse hvorfor jeg er blitt sånn! Klarte fint å være alene over flere døgn i samme bolig når jeg var 16 lol og det blir værre det større huset er. Klarer ikke å være alene lenge i et rom i en privat bolig hvis den er stor nok, selv på lyse dagen sååååå ja, det er noe som skurrer i hjærnen min eller hva faen. OK SORRY BUT UH YEAH other than that I dont have much to report. Been having a hard time with the gender stuff but thats not news. Hope to update you better next time.
AHHHH!! I'm turning 19 tomorrow! It honestly feels like I just turned 18! I already talked about this is my news post here but yeah! Just rerouted my new about page to the about button, released a zine you can see via the link on the home page and now I'm writing this. I got some of my brithday presents early since I was at my dads this weekend... I got a mini tv (for video games. small enough to fit sideways on my shelf) the book moominpappa at sea, new case for my watercolors, new nib holder for my dip pen nibs , new sketchbook, some candy and some misc sewing supplies! I'm also gonna go get some overalls next time I'm there that my grandparents are paying for! Hope I can find some good ones in my size... Sometimes I wish neocities had a built in dm feature or something, I always get such nice comments in my guestbook and I just wanna smother those people with thank yous!!! It feels kinda strange to go comment on their page or guestbook with a response though... idk maybe it's not so weird and I'm just awkward n shy lol. If you're one of those people who have left messages for me in my guestbook thank you so much!!! They make my day more than any other comment on any other website... it just feels more personal and genuine here! Not that I don't aprecciate nice comments on twitter or da or smth but its just something else here. oh! btw if anyone ever wishes to contact me it's ok to seek me out on other websites I'm kewl with that, might eventualy make a contact page with info and stuff.... another thing to add to the pile of stuff to do with this site.
HAPPY NEWYEAR... SORRY FOR NO UPDATES... I'LL SEE IF I CAN DO SOME MORE STUFF HERE TOWARDS THE END OF THE MONTH!
soooo... long time no update huh? I'm sorry about that, havent been in the best mood lately
and neocities is something i only do when i think its fun and relaxing to do you get? its not the only site i have been slacking with
using the internet at all has seemed kind of like a chore lately... mostly because of depression and stress and such, I want to give a propper life update but I'll have to give it later...
not in the mood to type much right now. dont worry though even if i take ''breaks'' sometimes i'm not giving up on the site or anything!
if i did i would at least make an announcement about it!
Today is the first day after trying a new sleep medecine. I can say that it worked for sure! Almost too well. I feel extremely lethargic and unmotivated to draw even if I really want to!
I really wanna make more fun pages for korssespace but I just fuckin... feel like shit.... sorry about that! I also have artfight!
I started on an attack for my friend Blook but now I just cant finish it! My brain feels like it has a heavy duvet over it... I'm super tired and restless at the same time!
It sucks! Not that restlessness and fatiuge is something I'm not familiar with but still!
I also wanna try taking some photos and drawing over them, adding things that werent there before like my fursona/mascot Thunder and or other props and ocs.
I'll get an oppertunity to take some pictures when we go to visit family in a few days... but speaking of Thunder! I've been thinking more about how I call her my fursona but she really isnt me at all.
I made her to be a cool deviantart oc in 2010 (shes turning 9 years old on 9/9/2019 lol) but I can't completely sepperate her either. Shes such a big part of my childhood!!
idk... I try over and over again to make fursonas that acctualy look and act like me but thats so boooring! I like Thunder. She's everything I'm not but that I find fun!
So I always return to her... I just hope that people dont asume I'm a girl just because my fursona is.
She didnt even start out as my fursona but rather as a pokemon oc, tough she very quickly became sentral in my artistic identity.
Just dumped a lot of art on the site and made some very stupid minor edits here and there. im sorry im so absent and havent gotten much done.
im generaly feeling very worried for the world right now as well as my place in it. my birthday is coming up in 8 days so theres also a lot of stress relating to you know...
growing up and ''becoming an adult'' whatever that means. other than that i've just been very low energy and been just wondering about lots of stuff, like am i ever gonna live to see
the day where nonbinary people like myself can just exsist in the world without question and have that be ok? i mean it really would be all i ever asked for. though i while i hate it
i have a creeping feeling that things are just gonna get worse and worse for nonbinary people in the near future, with fascism being all the rage and all that. hard to belive how
heartless some people can be... i dont think i could hate anyone as much as those pigs do even if i wanted to besides well. maybe i can hate fascists as much as they probably hate me lol
I've been pretty lonely too. It's kind of hard to reach out to my firends since they're often so busy with all kinds of stuff! not that i blame them or anything ofc!
they have their lives to live and i have mine, and the time they choose to spend on me isnt a gift i take lightly. still... even when i have so much fun with them i still feel
a little lonely. i cant quite put my finger on what kind of loneliness though... existential? or maybe im just bored. hey. maybe i should start a relationship or smth,
not that theres anyone specific i have a crush on, never really had ''crushes'' not in the conventional way at least. eh.. im probably not ready for love anyways.
i mean i've never tried but i've been doing great on my own so far, i should prob just go outside more. the tought of someone to live in comfort with- (and by that i mean.
someone to spend like 14 hours on call with just reading fucking yahoo awnsers or smth + the benefit of like... trust and pda i guess) - is appealing regardlesssss!
BUT YES!! DIDNT MEAN TO WRITE A WHOLE FUCKING ESSAY ABOUT WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO LATELY BUT OFF I GO I GUESS.
AND OHH!!! also. i got a new fursona i guess! dont worry thunder isnt going anywhere but its nice to finaly have a fursona whos literaly a self insert for once.
hey im sowwy im so slow with updating. esp art and stuff! dont worry im still working on the site
its just that i gotta lotta irl stuff going on. low energy... low mood... the usual
whoa one month ani for the site and thank you for 2000 hits!!! i was gonna put off writing updates and
logs and stuff til my main pages for the site were ready but here we are! thank u sm tho! now look at this:
